18 years this Sunday

Everytime I married I thought it would be this long, Now that I have finally found the man for me it has been natural to stay. I have rarely, except when feeling trapped wanted to get away from him. Thsi marriage hasn't been perfect in anyway, and what marriage is? We've disagreed over things in the past and both of us have compromised or gotten our ways. I must admit most of the time I've gotten my way, but still there are things I would do differently if alone.

I know I wouldn't own a bunch of coffee grinders and crocks. I doubt that I would have joined him in the persuit of antiques, but it was a compromise of sorts. At least, he doesn't use drugs and that is where I have had to draw the line and walk away from love in the past, The drugs and alchohol my lovers used destroyed anything we could have had, for eventhough I realize it was a disease. I'm not capable of standing along another as they destroy themselfs and I know I'm not the one who can change another. Who is? These people have to fight their own demons, I know how that goes and my demons are well controlled with drugs. So its amazing that my husband has stuck it out with me. Every year is a blessing that he has been there to talk me out of my delusions. 

This year has been particularly hard on us all and I'm still fighting the depression. Even though I'm getting better, I could still be more active in managing my life. I think I will get there next year, but year after year I have these undone tasks that lurk in my office. Papers that pile up, and this year I've been forced to deal with some of them, as I've had to deal with my mom's affairs, Unlike my papers that simply lie there, some of her affairs we've had to attend to. That in fact has been the root of my depression this year, and partly why I feel I'm growing from the experience of loss.

She's not died yet, but I've been going through the process. She has had to sell her house and that has been the most difficult. Leaving my dogs bones in the back yard where he was buried, I alwasy thought we'd be able to keep the house and not have to leave him, my best friend who died in the bushes was laid to rest there under my bedroom window. Time has past, this Sunday I'm happy that you and I are bestfriends now. I was able to say goodbye to long-time relationships that continue, and that I can return to when I want to in my dreams and daydreams, but you are here by my side everyday and have been steadfast for all these 18 years, Never thought I would find love like this. So very grateful for who you are and that I was able to grow into someone that you could hold dear.